It is hard to believe that it will have been a year as of next Wednesday. I will do a seperate post about my first year as a mom. But I wanted to take a moment to reflect back about my birth. A lot more has been remembered by me and by Toni and I have addressed a lot of what happened this year, so here are my reflections, one year later.
I will never know what truly went wrong, but in my heart I believe my birth was a result of too much medical intervention. I feel that had I not been given a time limit of 12 hours, which is beyond absurd that my body would have had a much better chance. It seemed that as more and more medications were introduced the complications increased.
Toni remembered a lot more. The midwives yelling at me. Telling me I was just afraid and weak and needed to get over it.
He also pointed out a correction to my original story. I was told at first I would be given a c section since I was 'unable' to birth my child but would have to wait until it was convenient for them. I was hysterical screaming something was wrong which was when they gave me valium to sedate me and a second medication to stop contractions. During this time they refused to check me. Once they finally did check me while checking if the contraction medication worked and shaving me for the Or, that they realized my cervix was swollen shut and then it became an emergency. Toni recalls that within 20 minutes the head Surgeon was out of bed at home and suited up. I did not recall this part, but then again I was flying high on valium and I do not recall a lot from that time.
Toni deals with a lot of anxiety after the experience. He was terrified and as a result is worried he cannot make it as the support in our next birth. We have decided we will only use a place that allows my mother to also be present. That should have been our first red flag to leave. We want a place that will respect a birth plan. I will also never again deliver without hiring a private personal midwife, called a beleghebamme here.
I have dealt with a lot after the csection. Feelings of inadequacy. Post partum depression. We had lots of problems breast feeding and my midwife was a beast, she said it would never work to give up. I hired a LC and at 5 weeks old after hours of pumping Luca nursed for the first time. It tooks more moths of pumping and supplementing and lots of fenugreek, but he is still breast feeding and has been supplement free about 8 months.
I still have a lot of anxiety. I am scared to death of labor. The feeling of pain goes away, but that hopelessness, that feeling of no end in sight and everyone disregarding my concerns still runs very deep. I am coming to terms. Slowly but surely.
I am trying to empower myself through education. I have started to contact midwives to find one who will work with me preconception through post delivery, and maybe I will look into some counseling to address those lingering feelings.
But as a whole, I feel better now. I no longer feel shame. I feel damn proud that I made it through, that I was strong enough of a person to not let that crush my fire. Every day gets a little bit better as I focus less on what happened and more on my day to day life as a mom.
I am coming out of my ppd funk. Starting to address some issues such as isolating myself, and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I once again feel hope. And you know what, I am even starting to want another baby.
I said it before, that moment I opened my eyes and saw Toni holding a little package wrapped in a towel, that was my birth moment. When I asked if that was him and he said yes. When he handed me that tiny little boy with a squished little face screaming his little heart out. It was in that moment that I became a mom. And that will never be taken away from me.